Building a Mind for Life - Part 3: Embracing the Strength of Our Social Bonds
In this final part of the Building a Mind for Life series, we turn to the power of social connections and the strength we draw from our communities. We’ve already explored the beliefs that shape us and how we care for ourselves physically. Now it’s time to focus on the vital role our relationships play.
When Dr. Dixon Chibanda, a psychiatrist in Zimbabwe, learned that one of his patients, Erica, had taken her own life simply because she couldn’t afford the bus fare to a hospital 200 miles away, he became determined to address the broader social, political, and economic challenges affecting mental health in his country. Faced with familiar obstacles—lack of funding, facilities, and mental health professionals—Dr. Chibanda came up with an idea. He called it the Friendship Bench. This simple idea transformed mental healthcare in Zimbabwe, improving the lives of thousands of older adults.
The wisdom of grandmothers
The concept behind the Friendship Bench is rooted in the wisdom of grandmothers. In every community, grandmothers are a constant; they don’t leave for greener pastures or bigger paychecks. Recognising the deep respect these women have within the community, Dr. Chibanda trained them to offer talk therapy in discreet, comfortable spaces, like park benches. It worked—largely because people trust and value the guidance of older generations. Dr. Chibanda empowered these grandmothers by tapping into their innate abilities—listening, empathy, and reflecting—alongside their cultural knowledge and wisdom. Today, 800 grandmothers in Zimbabwe, with an average age of 67, provide this therapeutic service, and the Friendship Bench has expanded to Malawi, Botswana, and Zanzibar, treating over 70,000 patients across all ages. “This work gives them a sense of belonging and purpose,” Chibanda reflects. “They are giving back to the community and feel an immense sense of reward.”
Rich social interactions challenge our brains
The cognitive benefits of maintaining rich social interactions have become increasingly clear through scientific research over the past few decades. Taking part in intellectual discussions, learning from others, exchanging ideas, and participating in group activities such as book clubs, cooperative games, and community activities like the Friendship Bench above, not only stimulate the brain but also lead to reduced stress, better memory, and improved cognitive performance. These benefits likely stem from the dynamic and unpredictable nature of human interaction, which continuously challenges our brains to adapt and respond.
Central to this understanding is the work of Daniel Lieberman, a leading social cognitive neuroscientist. Lieberman argues that our fundamental need for social connection is deeply rooted in our brain architecture, having evolved over millennia to help us form bonds and better understand one another. Lieberman’s research found 70 per cent of what we talk about is directly related to social matters, highlighting the critical role sociality plays in defining us both genetically and culturally.
Taking full advantage of our evolutionary hardwiring
This need for connection is so powerful that our brains experience ‘social pain’ in the same way as physical pain. In one study, participants played a virtual ball-tossing game, and when the other players (who were actually avatars) stopped including them, participants reported emotional distress. The scans showed that the brain’s dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which processes physical pain, also lights up when we experience social rejection. This shows how profoundly our brains are wired to value social bonds and why social pain feels as intense as physical pain. Think of the exquisite pain you’ve felt when someone special to you is no longer in your life.
The relationship between our social lives and overall happiness is so important that economists regularly place it at the heart of their research on wellbeing. We’re left with a clear message: we need to recognise the critical importance of social bonds to our health and happiness and take full advantage of that evolutionary hardwiring.
True connection is about feeling understood and valued
Yet, quantity doesn’t equate to quality when it comes to social interactions. Being surrounded by people or being in a group doesn’t necessarily prevent loneliness, especially when genuine, deep connections are lacking. True connection is about feeling understood, valued, and cared for. That means it’s crucial to nurture relationships that are meaningful and life-affirming.
However, the modern world poses challenges to building and maintaining these deeper relationships. Research shows that social connections are declining, elevating loneliness and social isolation as significant risk factors for premature mortality. The pandemic exacerbated this issue, with chronic loneliness surging. In the UK, nearly one million more people report feeling “often” or “always” lonely compared to before the pandemic, rising from 2.6 million to 3.3 million. This is especially evident among younger age groups and urban dwellers. In the U.S., the 2023 Surgeon General’s report highlights that nearly half of adults now experience frequent loneliness, highlighting its status as a growing public health concern.
Our friendships are being reshaped
Societal shifts, such as urbanisation, more flexible but isolated work environments, the rise of individualism, and the high usage of digital devices—particularly social media—are reshaping how we form and sustain friendships. Digital platforms often prioritise breadth over depth, leading us to mistake fleeting, superficial online interactions for deeper, in-person relationships. There is no substitute for the richness of real, face-to-face conversations—like the ones taking place on those Friendship Benches.
So, what’s our way forward?
We can start by following Daniel Lieberman’s prescription: understand and prioritise the significance of deep, genuine relationships for mental wellbeing. Such relationships require cultivating; they won’t flourish by accident. Be intentional. Make a list of four or five close friends and make a point of getting in touch with them regularly. Start regular activities that can become part of your routine. I’ve had a monthly coffee morning with a good friend for the past three years—it’s now a welcome habit.
Think about how good it feels to spend time with someone, and follow that feeling. And make a conscious effort to spend less time on your phone or other devices that pull you away from genuine human interaction. Invest time in real friendships. Your friends—and your mind—will thank you.
Here are five things you can do to strengthen your social bonds
Set up a regular social event: Whether it’s a monthly coffee, a book club, or a casual walk in nature, having something recurring with a friend or group of friends helps build connection over time.
Rekindle old friendships: Get in touch with someone you’ve lost touch with. A quick message or call can rekindle important relationships.
Be present: Put away your phone during social interactions and give your full attention to the people you’re with. (Don’t sit it on top of the table either—out of sight equals out of mind.)
Join a community group: Whether it’s a fitness class, volunteering, or a local club, joining a group can introduce you to new connections while providing shared experiences.
Practice active listening: Engage deeply in conversations. Listen not just to respond, but to understand. This shows you value the person and helps create deeper bonds.
Finally, let’s revisit the core message from the first part of this series: much of life is shaped by what we believe and tell ourselves. I recently heard someone say, “You’ll never be younger than you are right now.” I remind myself of that often. No regrets—just move forward with the wisdom we gather along the way. Perhaps creating our own version of the Friendship Benches.
That’s how we can all build a mind for life.
Who’s on your bench?