Deep Life Reflections: Friday Five
Issue 34 - Woke Up This Morning
Hello and welcome to my weekly email newsletter, Deep Life Reflections: Friday Five, where I share five things I’m enjoying, thinking about, and find interesting. I hope you enjoy issue 34 and feel free to share your own reflections.
Here’s my Friday Five this week.
1. What I’m Reading
Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most. By Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.
I keep a shortlist of non-fiction books that I consider indispensable. Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most is one of those books. A product of the Harvard Negotiation Project, this book distills fifteen years of research into strategies for managing conversations that we often dread.
At the heart of our interactions lie individual thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. Clashes happen when these conflict with those of others. These become difficult conversations and we often avoid them. But difficult conversations are an inescapable part of the human experience. To help us, the authors provide a step-by-step practical approach to having less stressful and more successful conversations. They show how this can help strengthen relationships, building trust and mutual understanding. The success of any relationship hinges on mastering such interactions.
The authors emphasise that every difficult conversation is really three conversations:
The ‘What Happened?’ Conversation: Disagreements about events or actions. Who’s right or at fault?
The Feelings Conversation: Recognising and addressing emotions, both ours and those of others.
The Identity Conversation: Our internal reflection on what the situation implies about our worth and character.
Every difficult conversation involves tackling these three conversations; learning to recognise and operate effectively in all three realms and turning each into a ‘Learning Conversation’ that focuses on sharing feelings and eliminating blame. It’s not easy, but it can be done with practice.
This book’s wisdom is universal—invaluable for parents, spouses, colleagues, and friends. Its principles are timeless.
2. What I’m Watching
The Sopranos (1999-2007). Created by David Chase.
Every now and then, I return to one of my favourite shows. I consider The Sopranos as one of the three greatest television shows of all time. It stars the late, brilliant James Gandolfini as the anxiety and depression-ridden mafia boss, Tony Soprano, who is struggling to navigate the challenges of his family life and his ‘Family’ life as head of the New Jersey mob. Show creator David Chase portrays Tony as a representation of the modern American (or Western) individual dealing with the pressures of everyday life. Tony just happens to kill people.
The Sopranos is heralded as the television show that began the ‘Golden Age’ of television as we entered the 21st century. The series laid the groundwork for future television shows that feature long-standing antiheroes as protagonists. Morally ambiguous (and often morally reprehensible) characters who are, nonetheless, captivating to the audience. Tony Soprano led the way. Vince Gilligan, the creator of Breaking Bad, famously said that the character of Walter White would not exist without Tony Soprano. Before The Sopranos, morally ambiguous characters and complex, nuanced storytelling were the domain of cinema, not television.
Beyond the mob plots, character dynamics, dark humour, and pop culture references, lie profound moral messages from David Chase and his team of gifted writers. One of the most important themes of The Sopranos is change, or more specifically, the resistance to it. Throughout the show’s 86 episodes, characters in The Sopranos who make the necessary shifts to change are rare, and the ones who do are often minor characters on the periphery. Tony, in all his complexity, is certainly not one of them. Despite repeated warnings and even lucid dreams portraying an ‘alternative’ version of himself—a more virtuous Tony—he remains committed to his refusal to change.
The choice to embark on personal change always has to be self-motivated. No one can force another to change. This is why Tony’s psychotherapy sessions with Dr. Melfi are so fascinating, yet in the end, prove futile. Tony is unwilling to change because it would involve confronting the often terrible nature of his actions, a reality he's reluctant to face because it would unravel his entire life and belief system.
To genuinely live and grow requires commitment and often sacrifice. David Chase once remarked about the show, “Life is short. All there really is is love. That’s all there really is, and the rest of it has no value.” Tony missed this message, but Chase’s hope is that the audience won’t.
If you’re a fan of The Sopranos, or curious about the show, here’s a brilliant short video homage to the show by a fan. Watch here. (And what I consider the most important scene in the show. Watch here.)
3. What I’m Contemplating
The world presents us with a multitude of lessons. Some come from books, while others emerge from television shows portraying flawed humanity. When we look at the principles from Difficult Conversations, there's an emphasis on turning every conversation into a ‘Learning Conversation’. This isn't just about understanding the other person, but also about self-evolution. To change, to grow, we must be open to learning, especially from conversations that challenge our perspectives.
In contrast, when we step into the world of Tony Soprano, we face the grim realities of stagnation. Tony, in his layered complexity, stands as a testament to how resistance to change and introspection can lead to a tragic arc. David Chase, the show’s creator, did not intend for audiences to idolise Tony (though many inevitably did). He wanted us to see the repulsion of Tony, but not in a one-dimensional manner. He painted Tony with textured strokes, illustrating the complexities of human behaviour and how they impact on resisting change.
Drawing a parallel between the two, there's a powerful realisation. If we aim to elevate our interactions and our lives, adopting a learning-based approach is pivotal. By extracting wisdom from the work of the Harvard Negotiation Project and recognising the pitfalls in Tony's story, we can steer our journeys more adeptly, promoting growth, understanding, and, most importantly, change.
4. A Quote to note
“In true dialogue, both sides are willing to change.”
- Thích Nhất Hạnh, Vietnamese Thiền Buddhist monk, peace activist, author, poet and teacher.
5. A Question for you
What barriers do you often encounter when trying to turn a challenging conversation into a learning opportunity, and how might you overcome them?
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Thanks for reading and have a great weekend.
James